I remember one day, I was riding along
On the Liverpool highway singing my song
And the day was as good as the road it was long
I was on my way
When just up ahead, a black speck appeared
And as I drew near, it was just as I feared
Doing twenty-five miles an hour in top gear
In the outside lane
Oh, dear me, Glory be, one of them I could see
It was a red-velvet steering wheel cover driver

Chorus:
Tra la la, la-la-la-la
la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la

Well, he and his wife, they sat side by side
In their safety belts, they were safely tied
And together, they rode through the green countryside
That they could not see
He had two dingle-dangles that hung by a string
From the mirror and in the back window this thing
That kept bobbing its head up and down the singular stair at me
Up and down, side to side, keep your eyes open wide
For the red-velvet steering wheel cover driver

He has two china ducks on his living-room wall
And a bowl of pink, plastic flowers in the hall
And a souvenir ashtray that he bought in port-call
On his holiday
And when he gets back, he goes straight to his chair
And he turns on the telly and all night he'll stare
At the girls and the gunfights and wish he were there
But he's here to stay
When he regrets what he didn't see
Then he will switch to ITV
'Cause he's a red-velvet steering wheel cover driver

Well, each Friday morning, he takes his basket
To town and he goes to the big supermarket
And he looks up and down and thinks oh, what a task
It's so hard to choose
For there's apple sponge pudding all topped with tasty-freeze
Ready cut loaves, instant cake mix and frozen peas
All of those fifty-seven varieties
Fresh today
Hermetically sealed, untouched by human hands
Just 'neath those tins, think of all those gifts you might win
When you're a red-velvet steering wheel cover driver

Well, it's Saturday night, it's a night for a fling
So, throw on your glad-bags, ring-a-ding ding
And go down to the hall for a good game of bingo and cups of tea
Then it's back into bed and turn off the light
Puff the hot-water bottle, sweet dreams and sleep tight
And God keep us from things that go bump in the night
But especially
All of those dreams of the day, when our own children will say
"My dad's a red-velvet steering wheel cover driver"