You will need to arrive at a quarter to five
if your plane is departing at ten.
When you called for a seat, we advised you to meet
at the gate and we'd let you know then.

The seats are so teeny you'll sit like Houdini.
Be quiet and listen to this,
If we should fall in a fiery ball,
kiss your own ass good-bye, then your kids.

On the plane, on the plane,
You will do exactly as we say.
You'll remain in your seat
with your bags at your feet
till the speech is complete on the plane.

If we sit on the runway from now until Monday
well all we can say is "too bad".
Up front there's free liquor and they get there quicker,
so those folks are not quite as mad.

You've paid your dinero, this movie's just fair
Oh but here comes the part that's so good.
Then the pilot will cut in; "We can't see Cleveland,
but if it weren't cloudy, we could".

On the plane all is well,
Just think of it as practicing for hell.
I'm in five, you're in four,
you lean back anymore,
you'll be shoved out the door of the plane.

We are not responsible for...anything.
And everything can go wrong.
We really don't know where we'll go or when.
And you may never see your bags again.
Such a shame, on the plane.

Your carry on stuff has to fit in this box.
If it doesn't and you make us wait,
you'll be pulled from the line with a hook from behind
and then beaten and shot at the gate.

The air that you're breathing's been re-circulating
since Orville and Wilbur were boys.
If you should choke, here's a thimble of coke.
You do realize that coughing annoys?

On the plane, on the plane
People are we perfectly insane?
The skies are not so friendly.
Delta isn't ready.
I prefer the bus.
USAIR begins with US.
It's truly torturous
on the plane...on the plane.