(Marvin Hamlisch/Ed Kleban)

It was then I decided to call the doctor

For my appointment to buy what?
Tits and ass, shall I buy a fancy pair?
Tightened up that derriere

Did the nose with it, all that goes with it
Tits and ass, you can knock and someone's there
Shake the new maracas and you're fine
Tits and ass, can change your life
Would they change mine

Wouldn't cost a fortune, neither
Wouldn't hurt my sex life either
It's a gas, I have never seen a pair
Chorus girl or movie star or wife
Tits and ass, oh yeah, T and A
Tits and ass can change your life