I am a gambler
I am Fortune's son
I am the first mate of the NCC-1701D
Well I had an encounter at Farpoint Station

With a little touch of constipation
While I was waiting to come aboard and meet my crew
But when the captain arrived I got this feeling inside
That there was something that I needed to do
And it's true
That when I got to my quarters there was something missing
I didn't have a pot to piss in
But I was too proud to ask an ensign where to go
And so I flashed with a smile and held it in for awhile
And tried not to let it show
But you know
CHORUS:
I asked the ship's computer
I checked the technical guide
But there are no bathrooms on the Enterprise
I've been here seven days
And I can't wait anymore
Pretty soon I'm gonna boldly go where no one's ever gone before
I can't sit down, I'm in some condition
How'd Kirk survive on a five year mission?
This new assignment is getting harder to endure
Cause I ain't feeling so great and I'm putting on lots of weight
I couldn't make it through a three hour tour
That's for sure
And now I've gained twenty pounds and I grew a beard
How could I shave without a bathroom mirror?
If I don't get some relief I'm gonna split my skin
Cause I'm as round as a globe and if I don't launch a probe
Soon I'll weigh enough to be my own twin
My transporter twin
CHORUS