I'm a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns.
Five'll get you ten,
I betcha never seen one.
Well I'm a seven inch cowboy

How do you be?
And I'm used to people gawking and a-staring at me
But I wasn't always so gol-darned wee
Let me tell you my story,
You can listen for free.

For seven long years,
Now that's a year for every inch I stand
I've traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land
Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop
I'm at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top.
I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me
And every town I come to's like a terrible dream
The other cowboys mocked me and spit tobacco like meteors
Watching me dodge ˜em and laughing at my small squeaky scream
I went to a saloon to get a drink
They wouldn't serve me
They stuffed me in a glass and slid me up and down the bar
And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me
They sang a song both cold and mean
˜Cause that's how women are,
They sang,

œA man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire
Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere.
Drive a brand new car, be a movie star
Size is all that counts, and there you are.?

And I'm a seven-inch cowboy
With a tiny pair of six guns
Five'll get you ten
I bet you never seen one

(Yodeling)

Now as you can imagine, I'd grown pretty bitter
(Although that's the only way in which I had grown)
And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor,
The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend I'd ever known.
The mad Professor Mentley was his name and I drew near
I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear
I held my little pistols up and I told ˜im, œLook a-here!
You made me this way, it's time you pay, you gol-darned queer!?
And the professor said, œWait! Wait!
Now you know me, and I know you
And you know that strange experiments are just what I do
It's less like a pastime and more like a job
Why if I didn't do it, I'd be an unemployed slob
Now I know that won't suffice if I'm to set you at ease
But I'm thinking as fast as I can for a man who's down on his knees
And just this passing moment I had a thought, here's what I thunk, I thought,
˜Where would you be today if you hadn't've shrunk?'
Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin
Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin
Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men,
Nothing to set you apart nor would there ever have been
Then I came along, yes ME, Professor Mentley!
I gave you a gift! (though you weren't grateful evidently)
I plucked you from your average status, I made you unique
You're a seven-inch cowboy, not a six foot freak.
From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you
Nations will bow and throw their riches before you
You'll be diminutive in stature, but a titan inside
Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side.?

Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared
And I wondered if perhaps he only said ˜em ˜cause he was scared
My guns were weighin' heavy in my hands, my heart was low
When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow:

Well my pop told me it don't matter where a fella goes
You can sail through icy straights and misty archipelagoes.
Travel to the moon, orbit every star
Size don't really count and there you are.

And I'm a seven-inch cowboy (seven inches tall)
With a tiny pair of six guns (That's mighty damn small)
Five'll get you ten (For all you bettin' men)
You'll never see another one (yeah!)
I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway
There's never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say
Well, I've thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb
Now I say Hollywood (Hollywood!), Hollywood (Hollywood!)
Hollywood here I come!