He's a serious mister
Shake his hand and he'll twist your arm.
With Monopoly money
We'll be buying the funny farm.

So I'll do flips, and get paid in chips
From a diamond as big as the Ritz--
Then I'm calling it quits.
(Calling it quits)

Eyes the color of candy,
Lies to cover the handicap.
Though your slippers are ruby,
You'll be led to the booby trap.

And there's no prize,
Just a smaller size,
So I'm wearing the shoe 'til it fits,
Then I'm calling it quits.
Yes, I'm calling it quits.
Yes, I'm calling it quits.

Now he's numbering himself among the masterminds
(Calling it quits)
'Cause he's hit upon the leverage of valentines.
(Calling it quits)
Lifting dialogue from Judy Garland storylines
...Where get-tough girls turn into gold mines.

All those Polaroid babies,
Taking chances with rabies,
Happy to tear me to bits--
Well, I'm calling it quits.
Yes I'm calling it quits.
Yes I'm calling it quits.
Yes I'm calling it quits.
Yes I'm calling it...