(Spoken: Hey girl, I got somethin' real important to give you, so just sit down and listen...)

Girl you know we've been together
Such a long long time (such a long time)
And now I'm ready to lay it on the line
Well, you know it's Christmas and my heart is open wide
Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind

A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside -- it's my dick in a box

Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don't mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl, ya gotta know you're my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin' real
Wanna get you somethin' from the heart
Somethin' special, girl... it's my dick in a box!
It's my dick in a box, babe
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl

See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' (yeah)
And I got just the one, somethin' to show ya that you are second-to-none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress,
It's easy to do, just follow these steps

One – cut a hole in a box
Two – put your junk in that box
Three – make her open the box
And that's the way you do it

It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box, babe
It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl

Christmas – dick in a box
Hanukkah – dick in a box
Kwanzaa – a dick in a box
Every single holiday, a dick in a box
Over at your parent's house, a dick in a box
Midday at the grocery store, a dick in a box
Backstage at the CMA's a dick in a box
Yeah, yeah, wow wow wow wow...
A dick in a box, a dick in a box, a dick in a box...