I'm a radio star, I am on TV
My life is on film, yet it sucks being me
(Shut up, sit down!)
My life's a wreck, I'm bored with sex
I've got a big nose and a skinny neck
I can't sing, I can't dance
(Ugh!)
I make money talkin' 'bout the junk in my underpants

I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

(I told you not to be stupid, you moron
Shut up, sit down!
Oh...oh, oh
Baba Booey
Oh, that's good
He he he he he he he)

When Teri Hatcher was on my show
She came on to me, I was tempted to go
Heather Locklear, she thinks I'm great
I would bet my life I could get her on the first date
Courtney Love, Madonna, and Sharon Stone
I could get them all together and make each one moan
Tammy, Raquel, Carmen, and Jenny
Demmy...I mean Demi
(He he he he he he he)

I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

I lay big farts, I'm immature
They say I'm great, but I'm not sure
My whole life sucks, each minute blows
This gangly body, this monsterous nose
This droopy ass, this tiny schween
No wonder I get on the air and act so mean
I wish my life were much more simple
I've got a wookie the size of a pimple

I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am
I'm a tortured man
(I think so)
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
(Shut up, sit down!)
I'm a tortured man
(I told you not to be stupid, you moron)

I'm just thinkin' for a minute
Should I trade half my money for ten times as much sex?
It's an equation from hell
(Oh, that's good)
It's an equation from hell
(Oh)
It's an equation from hell
(Oh, that's good)
It's an equation from hell
(Oh)