I know this kid named Simon
There is this girl and she likes him
But she’s only eight years old
She follows him around all day
“What’s a skateboard?” Is the type of thing she’d say
She’ll do anything she’s told

He said, “Is it weird that I think she’s hot?”
We said, “It’s not—just let grass grow on her field”
Call me crazy, but she looks damn tasty
The Simon, we’ll see your ass in jail

You know it’s true they went out on a date
They held hands, and stayed out way too late
Didn’t get back till quarter past 12
Her parents, they were worried sick,
Get off my daughter you Harry Potter look-a-like prick
Simon said, “I have to go!”

“I’m sorry father, but I love your daughter
You know she is the finest one of all”
“Alright boy, well I’m calling the cops and
And you won’t get conjugal visits in juvenile hall”

Simon- he has a girlfriend
Simon- he has a girlfriend

She’s illegal but he don’t care
She wears Pokemon underwear and puts out