Dr. Kelso: Hello, I'm Dr. Kelso, I'm delighted that you came
So the doctors say you fainted, and you don't know what's to blame
Well, put your mind at ease, there's no ill we can't outsmart
On behalf of all who work here...

All: Welcome to Sacred Heart!

J.D: Our facilities are excellent! You couldn't ask for more
Janitor: As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Cox, I'll be giving him your chart
Dr. Cox: And that's Dr. Kelso -- the kiss-ass of Sacred Heart!

Turk: You say you burned your hand real bad -- we'll fix you up with gauze
Elliot: Perhaps you need your fat sucked out -- or want a smaller schnoz!
J.D: Hey!

Dr. Kelso: You caught an S.T.D. from some tasty little tart?
All: We swear
We won't judge you here at Sacred...
Here at Sacred...
Here at Sacred Heart!

...

Dr. Kelso: One more thing that I should mention
If what I've heard is true
And everyone appears to be singing to you....

All: Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh!

Dr. Kelso: Your case is very serious! And we'd better start!

All:
'Cause if you think we're singing, you belong at Sacred Heart!
Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys!
Welcome to Sacred Heart!