Verse 1
If you can keep your head when it falls off
And pee in a cup at the doctor's office
Then Barney and Big Bird songs will make you sing

If you believe Travis will marry an ex-nun
Then the world is already done

If the end times come at the beginning
And if the Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls come back again
If Justin Timberlake plays golf with Bill Clinton
Then Carmen might lick the floor

Chorus:
If Harry Potter hates pottery
And Bugs Bunny is allergic to carrots
If Miss Cleo gets out of jail, and dies
She'll go to hell
If the band teacher melts the tuba
If you are tired of all these ifs
If...if you

Verse 2
If you can hang out with gays and still be straight
Or be around sluts, yet still be modest
If Britney Spears is your friend, then let a hobo be your best friend
If you claim to be a virgin but still mess around
If you say you're not a pothead but cocaine's your still
And if you eat veggies but support slaughtering of cows
Then you will be in a mental house as a man, my daughter

Repeat Chorus

Verse 3
If that ex-nun marries an ex-priest
If beauty dumps the beast
If Carmen decides to forget Brent
And if Mr. Pres forgets to pay his rent
If we decide, we will go!
Repeat Chorus 2x
~END~