Chorus: Here is the tale of a babysitting job, the baby is something of a snob.
Stewie: Oh, go fuck yourselves
Chorus: So listen very closely, and you'll find that what they say is not the same as what's on their minds.

Haylie: Aren't you a cute little boy. (Look at that melon shaped head!)
Stewie: Having you here is a joy. (And in an hour you'll be dead.)
Haylie: Sit on my knee. (Please don't go poo.)
Stewie: Nice place to be. (This one's for you.)
Both: Babysitting is a bum deal.

Haylie: Why don't we watch Will & Grace? (Jesus, do I need a smoke.)
Stewie: Jack puts a smile on my face. (Oh, what a surprise, a gay joke.)
Haylie: I like your house. (The ceiling has cracks!)
Stewie: I like your blouse (Miss TJ Maxx?)
Both: Babysitting is a bum deal.

Chorus: So they sat as time went by.
Haylie: As slowly as time could go.
Chorus: The baby blared, and softly cursed.
Stewie: Cause her lips, and her skirt, and her shoes, and her hair made her look like a hoe!

Haylie: Time for your bottle my sweet. (This little brat smells like piss.)
Stewie: Always a succulent treat. (While I suck that, you suck this.)
Haylie: Aren't you a sight? (Look at him drool.)
Stewie: You're a delight. (Damn you, you fool!)
Both: Babysitting is a bum deal.

Chorus: The diaper change was quite a job.
Haylie: The grossest I've ever seen.
Chorus: The baby smiled and took a breath.
Stewie: And I grunted and pooped out a poop,
that looked something like Matthew Modine.

Haylie: Someday you might meet a girl. (Yeah, she's gonna be your right hand.)
Stewie: Maybe it's you my sweet pearl. (Darling, I'd rather fuck sand.)
Haylie: Have a good night. (You little creep.)
Stewie: Have a good night. (Die in your sleep.)
Both: Babysitting is a bum deal. Babysitting is a bum deal.

Hailey Duff: So you see, you got a really messed up kid here. I'd suggest you get him some help before it's too late.
Stewie: Gutter Snipe!
Hailey Duff: Freak! I'm out of here.
Lois: Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Hailey Duff.

Brian: Well, nobody likes a bum deal. You know what I'm talking about. The feeling when you get passed over for that promotion you thought you deserved or when you found out that your old high school girlfriend who you never got quite over is about to marry someone else. Or when you're humping a leg for 8 minutes before you realize there's no entry point. But you know what? You and I have both got a friend who's always there to lift our spirit.