Not long ago I went through the gate of dreams
I came to the famous City of Destruction
Where now a shuttle runs to the Emerald City
With air miles and big group reductions
So I went to the ticket office where Evangelist sat

And reserved seats through credit card calls
I said ' How does it feel now they changed your job?'
He said 'Now I don't feel anything at all'

As we moved off I looked down on the Myre of Despair
From a bridge that passed a thousand miles above
Its legs were made of books that they'd thrown into the mud
And the books were of philosophy and love
As we reached the Hill of Difficulty, we waited for a climb
They'd dug a tunnel through the center of the stone
And with the excess rock, well the valley became landfill
Where once you'd had to walk down there alone

All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For all those who seek the truth but don't have the time to get there
Don't have the time to get there

The train ride felt so smooth that I put my feet up
Barely noticing the motion of the carriage
The stewardess was Prudence with her sister Charity
For fifteen grand they'd sell their hands in marriage
And just as we were entering the Valley of Death
I expected to be plunged into the darkness
But the company had floodlit the underground gloom
Taken care not to make this place seem joyless

All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For all those with the money, just tender up the fare
Just tender up the fare

It looked like we stopped at the mouth of Hell itself
But they said it was a now-extinct volcano
And if you'd seen the demons seemed to emanate from there
You'd have taken the guidebook at its say so
But some of my companions they would not get back in
They'd heard that heaven it was vastly over-rated
The weather here was warmer, and drinking was allowed
And they thought they'd see us come back here much later

All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
You could be home by now, if you lived there
If you lived there

After boarding no new passengers we went upon our way
Past the place where Pope and Pagan ruled with terror
But now the giant Scientology had eaten them for breakfast
And bought all the property around her
At a city called Vanity we stayed for the night
Where one's every whim was catered for and sated
The shuttle brought prosperity and business in its wake
And an attitude that never gets outdated

So all aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For all those seeing double, just tender up the fare
Just tender up the fare

So Charming was the city with its profitable fair
The inhabitants claimed it was the only heaven
And said that only dreamers ever venture beyond its gates
And go to that land of Never-Never
And in this city an education came without a school
The shops sold one alongside praise and honor
Reputations and honour went on sale at the fair
And conscience could buy almost any of them

All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
The most efficient way to go, it's the best way to get there
It's the best way to get there

And I stayed in the city, til I became like those
Who lived there and abandoned their old questions
Til I saw some pilgrims who'd walked the journey's length
Standing at the edge of its dimensions
'Friend let me tell you' said the Speaker to my ear
'The whole concept of the shuttle is a Bubble
You can pay the fare and travel for the rest of your life
You'll never get anywhere but trouble
Cos the train is only progress and it isn't a roundtrip
And just in case the whole thing should explode
The Lord of the Good City he will never let you in
And he grants no kind of permit to the railroad'

I got back on the train and my companions they were few
My hopes with the suburbs disappearing
We saw the Silver Mine and the Castle of Despair
And we saw our destination it was nearing
Saw the gates of that fair city, beyond a river lay
A blinding light shone from the other side
A ferry boat was waiting to carry us over
It was built of paper and everybody died

All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For all those who want the truth but have no time to get there
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
Just say what you've got, we'll sell you a fare
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
We'll look after you so good that you won't wanna get there
You won't wanna get there