Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 99
Drink beer
If I could offer you only one tip for the future
Beer would be it.
The long term benefits of beer have been proven by scientists

Whereas the rest
advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering expierince

I will despense this information now

You are as fat as you imagiane
You really do look like your drivers license picture
Do something about it
No one wants to date a fat pig
If insertiting a 7 inch iced tea spoon down your throat to induce vomiting is what it takes
Well then so be it
Do 1 thing everyday that makes your mother ashamed
Don't floss
Wayward pieces of parsly and beef in your teeth really don't look that bad
You've already had your turn of living in New York
So leave
Now
You're wasting space
And breathing up all of our oxygen
Go live in Northern California
But leave before you simultaniously die in an earthquake and a gang related shooting

Sometimes you'll be ahead
Sometimes you'll be behind
Sometimes you'll be on top
Sometimes you'll be on bottom
Smoke ciggarettes with reckless abandon
When your speaking through hole throat
You can always sue the tabbacco company
And say
I did not know it was bad for me
After all
Ill gotten game is what it's all about
Maybe you'll married
Maybe you won't
But most likely you'll end up divorced
With a litter of children
With 8 different mothers
Spending the rest of your life selling rip off Gucci bags outside court authority
To pay off alimony and child support.
Dont even try to dance
You're a guy for godsake
Not even the electric slide at a wedding
Read GQ magazine and strive to look like the guy on the cover
Undergo elective reconstructive plastic surgery including lipo suction and penis enlargement
Make fun of old people
It's fun
And understand that friends will stab you in the back for price of an extra value meal
And the flame broiled isn't always better
Nevermind
But trust me on the beer.