Actually, I was never conceived.
And I don't expect to be believed,
But I've found my mouth stitched shut with glossy pink thread.
And when I think of the lie filled love-life that I've led....

I row boats all day with Karl, Vlad, and E. Leon.
My tongue made of ivory, my teeth are all gone.
The bones in my face weren't here all along.
I'm straight and I love coffee cake!
I found a lost puppy and I took him home.
Since then he's agreed to leave me alone
For over a month cuz I'm spelling bee queen.
Let me tell you more, you'll see what I mean.
I took a sealion by the waist and I twisted it.
Then I kiss-ed it. It was mossy and chaste.
That is funny, isn't it?
Not to tell you would be such a waste.
Can't you see me?
I am your long lost best friend.
Please believe me.
All these things have happened.
I went for a ride on the carousel.
I was on a yellow horse, right behind the swan.
In the swan, a man and a woman they were doing it.
I didn't want to look. I wished I'd brought a book.
I looked down at the chip in my horse's red mane.
He had a high, soft, beautiful voice.
I got down and ran around, and then I asked him his name.
He said out loud, he said it was "First Choice".
Yes Mom, I'm still a virgin.
And you are Marilyn Monroe.
When I was a little girl, we grew wings and flew under the sea
To see my daddy, Mr. Edgar Allen Poe.
Oh, I would crawl into the furnace to take a warm nap
On the cast-iron lap of Walt Disney.
Then we'd go out for a swim in the Sea of Mercury.
I never thanked him for what he did for me.
Can't you see me?
I am your long lost best friend.
Please believe me.
All these things have happened.