Greetingsâ'‚¬¦This is the Secretary of War at the State Department of the United Statesâ'‚¬¦We have a problem. The companies want something done about this sluggish world economic situationâ'‚¬¦Profits have been running a little thin lately and we need to stimulate some growthâ'‚¬¦Now we know there's an alarmingly high number of young people roaming around in your country with nothing to do but stir up trouble for the police and damage private property. It doesn't look like they'll ever get a jobâ'‚¬¦It's about time we did something constructive with these peopleâ'‚¬¦We've got thousands of 'em here too. They're crawling all overâ'‚¬¦

The companies think it's time we all sit down, have a serious get-togetherâ'‚¬?And start another warâ'‚¬¦The President? He loves the idea! All those missiles streaming overhead to and froâ'‚¬¦Napalmâ'‚¬¦People running down the road, skin on fireâ'‚¬¦The Soviets seem up for itâ'‚¬¦The Kremlin's been itching for the real thing for years. Hell, Afghanistan's no funâ'‚¬¦So whadya say?â'‚¬¦We don't even have to win this war. We just want to cut down on some of this excess populationâ'‚¬¦

Now look. Just start up a draft; draft as many of those people as you can. We'll call up every last youngster we can get our hands on, hand 'em some speed, give 'em an hour or two to learn how to use an automatic rifle and send 'em on their wayâ'‚¬¦Libya? El Salvador? How 'bout Northern Ireland? Or a "moderately repressive regime" in South America?â'‚¬¦We'll just cook up a good Soviet threat story in the Middle Eastâ'‚¬?we need that oilâ'‚¬¦We had Libya all ready to go and Colonel Khadafy's hit squad didn't even show up. I tell yaâ'‚¬¦That man is unreliable. The Kremlin had their fingers on the button just like we did for that oneâ'‚¬¦

Now just think for a minuteâ'‚¬?We can make this war so bigâ'‚¬?so BIGâ'‚¬¦The more people we kill in this war, the more the economy will prosperâ'‚¬¦We can get rid of practically everybody on your dole queue if we plan this right. Take every loafer on welfare right off our computer rollsâ'‚¬¦Now don't worry about demonstrationsâ'‚¬?just pump up your drug supply. So many people have hooked themselves on heroin and amphetamines since we took over, it's just like Vietnam. We had everybody so busy with LSD they never got too strong. Kept the war functioning just fineâ'‚¬¦

It's easy. We've got our college kids so interested in beer they don't even care if we start manufacturing germ bombs again. Put a nuclear stockpile in their back yard, they wouldn't even know what it looked likeâ'‚¬¦So how 'bout it? Lookâ'‚¬?War is money. The arms manufacturers tell me unless we get our bomb factories up to full production the whole economy is going to collapseâ'‚¬¦The Soviets are in the same boat. We all agree the time has come for the big one, so whadya say?!?â'‚¬¦That's excellent. We knew you'd agreeâ'‚¬¦The companies will be very pleased.