The old Bastard lay sprawled on the nursin home floor
he'd been wankin an fell out of his chair,

An as he fell on his guts his colostun he bust
splatterin muck an guck an shit everywhere,

It was all up the wall on the matron an all
it was caked on her apron an hair,

And as we ducked for cover that filthy old bugger just sat there with his cock in his hand.......

Ah, it couldn't ave been a worse day cos it was his birthday
with the rellies rallied all round his bed,

Absoloutly amazed that he'd actually made another birthday cos he should have ben dead,

With all that fuckin an fightin that he'd done in his life, he should have been hung years ago,

By any number of blokes whose missus he's poked with that monster he was strokin there now

(Chorus)
Ah, grandads got his stiffy
grandads got a bone
somebody better get nana in quick
we'd promised her we'd phone
He's OD'd on Viagra
CALL GRANDMOTHER UP ON THE PHONE
grandads got a stiffy
grandads got a bone

(verse)
But he just wouldn't stop wankin so we chucked on a blanked, so the women and kids couldn't see

his battered banana hangin out his pyjamas and the cum stain an shit on his sheets

but that filthy old bastard sat cackaling laughin, just waving his slug in the air

And by the look in his eye matron knew it was time
'EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!'

(Chorus)
Cos, grandads got his stiffy
grandads got a bone
somebody better get nana in quick
we'd promised her we'd phone
Cos grandads going ballistic
CALL GRANDMOTHER UP ON THE PHONE
grandads got a stiffy
grandads got a bone