on the first day of xmas my dealer gave to me
a bag of shrooms and some lsd
we snuck into the park to steal some xmas trees
but the cops pulled up and asked us nicely to leave
we're all fucked up on smirnoff eggnogg

we crunch on candy canes and rev up all our chainsaws
you give us 30 and we'll tie it up at no extra cost
we'll take that 30 and spend it on pot
we're not too bright we flunk all of our classes
gettin drunk get in fights cuz we're bad kids
our dads call us bastards mom's always plastered
we're the closest thing to suburban gangstas
cold air's what we breathe our vests have no sleeves
it's hard to haul trees in subzero degrees
we smell like evergreens

all I want for xmas is my two front teeth
and some mistletoe all up in this piece
maybe a girl that's free of disease
and while I'm thinking, throw in a couple of g's yeah
I want my snowmobile treads to be fixed
I want a ho who doesn't mind my snowsuit doesn't fit
I'm just a hayseed selling trees to break trees
know yer daddy hates me it's drivin ya crazay

even though my nose is runny get the honey's cuz I'm $
but I never get laid can't find my way into long undies
I don't trip, just dip, listen to country
with my piss I write my name because I think it's funny
I'm so into this deciduous lifestyle
you see dead tree and I see a cash cow
I never bargain and I never back down
put the back seat down and I take yer ass to tree town
yer daughter's givin me the eye
so I am givin her a ride
I'll put up the tree myself and put up all the lights
as long as I get all up in her tights

all I want for xmas is my two front teeth
and some mistletoe all up in this piece
maybe a girl that's free of disease
and while I'm thinking, throw in a couple of g's yeah
I want my snowmobile treads to be fixed
I want a ho who doesn't mind my snowsuit doesn't fit
I'm just a hayseed selling trees to break trees
know yer daddy hates me it's drivin ya crazay