Other boys have girlfriends,
Who are perfect as can be,
But when it comes to you, my dear,
There's a few little things that are puzzling me.
With your beat up nose

And your thirteen toes,
Nature handed you a dirty deal.
And all of my friends want to know,
Are you for real?
When you speak of love,
You're no turtledove,
You remind me of a well-trained seal.
(seal noises)
Are you for real?
I know your eyes are a shocking surprise,
Although they're as blue as the sea.
One blew this way, and one blew that way,
Please get them together for me.
And about your face, boy,
It's right in place with a name like
Bambi Glockenspiel.
The St. Louis Zoo wants to know,
Are you for real?
[Are you guys for real? What's with that?]
First you eat the fish,
Then you eat the dish
When I take you out to have a meal.
(strange laugh)
Are you for real?
When you squeeze me tight,
It's with all your might,
And I think your arms are made of steel.
(hey! easy! what? hey!)
[I am not fully convinced that you are a genuine reality.]
Oh, we went to the wrestling matches one night,
And I was as proud as could be.
The champion was great, a real heavyweight,
But you took him two out of three.
Holy jee.
Oh, you're not as large as a floating barge,
But your cargo's settled in your keel.
You always say yes when I ask,
Are you for real?
That's impossible!
I laugh! (more strange laugh)
I shriek! (shriek)
I squeal! (seal noise)
You cannot be for real!