When I was young and just a bad little kid,
My momma noticed funny things I did.
Like shootin' puppies with a BB-Gun.
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done,
I'd find a pussy-cat and bash in it's head.

That's when my momma said...
(What did she say?)
She said my boy I think someday
You'll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay...

You'll be a dentist.
You have a talent for causing things pain!
Son, be a dentist.
People will pay you to be inhumane!

You're temperment's wrong for the priesthood,
And teaching would suit you still less.
Son, be a dentist.
You'll be a success.

"Here he is folks, the leader of the plaque."
"Watch him suck up that gas. Oh My God!"
"He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good."
"Who wants their teeth done by the Marqui DeSade?"

"Oh, that hurts! Wait! I'm not numb!"
"Eh, Shut Up! Open Wide! Here I Come!"

I am your dentist.
And I enjoy the career that I picked.
I'm your dentist.
And I get off on the pain I inflict!

I thrill when I drill a bicuspid.
It's swell, though then tell me I'm mal-adjusted.

And though it may cause my patients distress.
Somewhere...Somewhere in heaven above me...
I know...I know that my momma's proud of me.
"Oh, Momma..."

'Cause I'm a dentist...
And a success!

"Say ahh..."
"Say AHhhh..."
"Say AAARRRHHHH!!!"
"Now Spit!"