When the postman don't call on Valentine's day

And Santa Claus don't come on a Christmas Day

That umbrella won't work on a rainy day

Don't ask me, I already know


When they find you beached on the barrier reef

And the only pleasure treasured is in map relief

The choice is yours, sure, saint or thief

Don't ask me I already know


When they baked your cake in little slices,

Kept your eyes on rising prices,

Wound up winning booby prizes;

I'm sure you'd like to think you know what life is


Find destiny through magazines

Liplicking, unzipping

Harpers and Queens

From here to eternity,

Without in-betweens,

Don't ask me, I already know


With your heart on parade and your heart on parole

I hope you find a sucker to buy that mink stole

School for scandal,

Guess who's enrolled?

So ask me, I already know


When they find you beached on the barrier reef

When the postman don't call on Valentine's Day

When the only pleasure treasured is in map relief

When you don't tell the truth, that's the price you pay


When I'm shaking a hand, I'm clenching a fist

If you gave me a pound for the moments I missed

And I got dancing lessons for all the lips I shoulda kissed

I'd be a millionaire

I'd be a Fred Astaire