(OK Grandpa, let's tell them a little story about what happened this Christmas)
Christmas eve
I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things

Heavy breathing from the chimney
Who could it be?

In the morn
I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corse
With a long white beard was dangling over the fire

(Chorus)
Santa he's a big fat f*uck
Crawled down the chimney got his fat ass stuck
Honey call the lawyers fast
˜Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass

(OK Grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell ˜em what you saw)
Gotta tell you folks
He wasn't wearing no clothes
He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil from his head down to his toes
I was talking to the cops outside
The dogs were lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
They hauled him away in a double wide
What a sad sad way to die

(Chorus)