ARTIFICIAL MEANS
(Christine Lavin, Copyright Flip-A-Jig Music 1984)
Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple
But not in bed
Oh they tried taking drugs, How-To Books, even Dr. Ruth

But for all intents and purposes,
Their love life was dead.
'Till one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique.
She bought a long cylindrical thing.
Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not.
Every night you can hear him sing,
He says,
Our love is bein' kept alive by Artificial Means,
You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine,
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems
'Cause our love is being kept alive by artificial means
Johnny went down to the barroom
He bought one drink, he bought two, he bought three.
Oh, he moaned to the bartender the state of his married life.
Bartender said, Hey Bud, just listen to me.
So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique,
He bought a plastic blow-up doll.
Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not.
She is angry she is jealous, she's appalled.
She says
Our love is bein' kept alive by Artificial Means
You've grown emotionally attached to that poly-ethylene.
Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems,
'Cause our love is being kept alive by artificial means
Bridge: Wires (wires), Switches (switches), Batteries
(batteries), Plastic (plastic),
Tufts of polyester hair.
Who'd ever think they could replace the love (love!)
Humans used to share (humans used to, humans used to,
humans used to, humans used to!)
Then one fateful day those batteries died
At the same moment that that big doll sprung a leak (psssss).
Janie looked at Johnny looked at Janie looked at Johnny,
They both found it difficult to speak
I wish I could say they threw those contraptions away
And fell in love all over again,
But Johnny taped up that hissing woman
When Janie stole the batteries from his Sony Walkman.
Their love is bein kept alive by Artificial Means.
They've grown emotionally attached to those modern sex
machines.
Their relationship is not as healthy as it seems,
'Cause their love is being kept alive by artificial means
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