The magazine is now my good friend
I'm thrilled the moment it is opened
It feels so beautiful to pretend
I'm glad it's not goddamned sensational

Rolling up my sleeves to find out
What the stinking fuss is about
I need to prove without a doubt
That nobody is losing their marbles
The psychic friends are here to help us
And hot line girls I know are a must
In consolidated bills we trust
Personal injury lawyers are wonderful
I have got to know what's a postcoital glow
I need to know
A-wop bam boom a-boop bop a-what to do
Quality control is sure great
Any job done well is first rate
Pride in workmanship is worth the wait
Happiness is a thirty day warranty
The diet I've been on is so good
I've lost more weight than I thought I could
My abs are like they're made of fine wood
I fit right in with the people I admire most